Blog ko ‘toh! (reader discretion is advised)

"You can work hard and be recognized for the effort you put in to fix your problems. But you can not be a hero by correcting your own mistakes."

A few weeks back I heard of this story from the radio of an ultra-marathon runner who wanted to do 50 marathons in 50 days (or somewhere around that number, just couldn’t remember), he will eat and drink on the run, sleep only a few hours a day and take short bathroom breaks, then run again. When asked why he was doing this, he replied "I want to know the limits of the human body’s endurance." The DJ, "The Flying Dutchman", as they call him here, said "this guy is crazy … nuts." This ultra-marathon runner sounded suicidal. But I was interested. I wanted to know the limits of my endurance. But in another way. For a few weeks, I have deprived myself of sleep, taking naps just before daybreak, and then back to work. In the mornings, I go to the office, then when I get home I work on another project. 3 weeks have passed and the "night/home" project was completed. So what did I learn from this you may ask. A few things. 1) When I told friends about what I was doing, that I wanted to know my limits, to know when my body will burn out/give in, I was called "crazy", and "nuts", 2) I can survive without sleep, and I felt that if I had to go further than three weeks, I would have continued doing it, 3) what gave me focus was a goal, I had to finish the project, it is something that I like to do and I would be proud of, 4) what empowered me was inspiration. Inspiration can drive a person beyond his limits. Inspiration can produce endurance. Inspiration can bring out the best in us. But there was another limit that I had to test during the last few weeks. I had to find out how long I can contain an emotion, which was building up, fueled by my own inspiration. And it’s been four weeks now, project’s over, no more sleepless nights. But the emotion is still there. I don’t know how long this limit test will go on. But I guess I’ll let it linger. I believe its the only option I have, to just keep it. No problem. I think its the best thing to do.

But I will let it drive me. To fuel me, to learn about my limits.

Have you ever lost something and felt really bad that you couldn’t find it after you’ve tried looking everywhere and did everything to find it? Like looking for a 5 inch object (probably a comb, a pen, or your phone) that you badly need but couldn’t find in your 5×5m room, it seems logical that you will find it, considering the small space and that the size of the object is fairly noticeable. But does it bother you that after all the effort, frustration sets in and you will realize that you can’t find it. You’ve lost it in your own little space. But does it bother you more that when you stopped looking, there it is, right there in a place that you can swear you looked at for it. What do you call it? We used to blame it on maligno or dwende. Blame something. Placing your faith in the wrong place. Found something and lost something. John Locke, one of the main characters in the Lost TV series, was conned by his estranged father for his kidney. Right after the transplant, Locke was left in the hospital by himself, no father in sight, no message left. Locke went to his father’s house to find answers, why he was left behind, he kept on saying that his father could have just asked and he will give it, his kidney, and that he didn’t have to con him. But his father kept him out, left him by himself, just like that. John kept on coming back to the same place every night, right at the gate of his father’s big house. One night, his girlfriend Helen tailed him and confronted him, and tried to persuade John to stop what he was doing. To stop going back. Helen made a point "I know why you’re here — why you keep coming here. You’re scared — scared of moving forward", that was the last night Locke went there. John moved on with his life. But he never found the answers that he wanted to hear from his father. I think he found it somewhere else, when he stopped looking. Finding people is not like looking for objects, people can keep themselves "lost." Why do we keep coming back to the same people, coming back to old habits, doing the same mistakes? Is it because we’ve become so comfortable with our "old" selves and are afraid to move on, to change? We are just afraid. Afraid of moving forward where we don’t know what to expect or don’t know what will happen. Doubt is the word. Faith is the answer. And believe me, its more than just malignos or dwendes.

Ano ang tawag sa taong hindi busy? Walang ginagawa? O tamad? Meron pa siguro isang tawag sa taong hindi busy. Yung may sariling mundo. Yung tao na naging manhid sa mga nangyayari sa paligid, na nabubuhay sa isang maliit na paraiso sa kanyang isip. Palaging nakangiti, kahit mag isa lang at kahit walang kasama o kausap. Eto ang mga taong kayang paligayahin ang sarili. Ngayong araw na ito ang pinaka-busy kong araw. Nawala na yung maliit kong paraiso. Nawala na yung mundong ginagalawan ko na ginawa ng aking isip. Ngayon ko lang nakita ang aking paligid, at napansin ang bilis ng buhay. Ang dami na palang nagbago. Ang dami na palang kailangang gawin. Ang dami na pala kailangan habulin. Matutuo din ako mabuhay sa labas ng paraiso. Unti-unti. Hindi na siguro ako makakabalik muli. Dahil ang mga bagay na nasa isip ay madalas nakakalimutan. Pero ang mga bagay na nasa puso ay hindi mabibitawan. Dun na lang sya mamamalagi. Wala na ang aking sariling mundo.

tila ibon kung lumipad; sumabay sa hangin ako’y napatingin; sa dalagang nababalot ng hiwaga; mapansin kaya sa dami ng yong ginagawa; kung kaagaw ko ang lahat
may pagasa bang makilala ka; awit na nanawagan baka sakaling napakikingan; pagibig na palaisipan sa kanta nalang kita idadaan; nagaabang sa langit; sa mga ulap sumisilip; sa likod ng mga tala; kahit sulyap lang darna; ang swerte nga naman ni ding; lagi ka nyang kapiling kung ako sa kanya niligawan na kita; mapansin kaya sa dami ng yong ginagawa; kung kaagaw ko ang lahat; may pagasa bang makilala ka; awit na nanawagan baka sakaling napakikingan; pagibig na palaisipan sa kanta nalang kita idadaan; nagaabang sa langit; sa mga ulap sumisilip; sa likod ng mga tala; kahit sulyap lang darna

tumalon kaya ako sa bangin para lang iyong sagipin; ito ang tanging paraan para mayakap ka; darating kaya sa dami ng ginagawa; kung kaagaw ko sila paano na kaya.

Bulag. Hanggang ngayon. Ilang araw na ako sinusundan ng mga bulag. Kahapon nasa Burger King ako para maghapunan. Pag pasok ko sa loob ay dumiretso kaagad ako sa counter, di na ako naghanap ng mauupuan kasi sabi ko sa sarili ko, magkakaroon din yan ng bakante. Kailangan makaorder muna ako, at wala din naman ako kasama para bantayan ang bakanteng upuan. Sa loob ay meron dalawang bulag na naka-upo at nag uusap. Napansin ko sila kaagad, kita mo na bulag sila dahil meron sila parehong dalang walking stick at pag tinignan mo ng mabuti, mapapansin mo na wala na ang kanilang mga mata sa kinalalagyan. Bakante. Ano kaya ang naging dahilan ng pagkawala ng kanilang mga mata? Humarap na ako sa cashier at umorder. Habang inaayos nung cashier attendant yung order ko, meron nakakuha ng attention ko … meron sumisigaw ng "hello, can I have some plain water,  please … hello …" paulit ulit. Yung isang bulag ay humihingi ng tubig. Nung una, walang kumikilos, siguro naghihintayan kung sino ang mag initiate na magbigay ng tubig sa kanila. Nakailang ulit nya sinisigaw ito at maya-maya ay lumapit na yung store manager para abutan silang dalawa ng tig isang baso ng plain water. Dumating na yung order ko at nakalimutan ko na silang dalawa. Umuwi na kaagad ako pagkatapos kumain. Kanina, nanood ako ng DVD ng The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Eto ang synopsis from Yahoo Movies "In an extremely rare decision, the Catholic Church officially recognized the demonic possession of a 19-year-old college freshman. A lawyer takes on a negligent homicide case involving a priest who performed the exorcism that resulted in the girl’s death." After the movie, naisip ko yung nakita ko kahapon. Hindi dahil sa medyo nakakaantig ang itsura ng isang tao na wala ng mata at parang nai-konek ng isip ko yung mga imahe nila sa isang exorcism movie, pero dahil sa sinabi nung isa sa mga characters sa movie: "I am a person of doubt … but we are talking of possibilities here, if we would only base our actions, decisions on facts, then there are no opportunities for possibilities." Without doubt. There is no opportunity for faith. Naisip ko yung dalawang bulag na nakita ko kahapon. They live their lives on faith. I think it is normal for us to doubt what we can not see. And in their case, they don’t see anything at all. They rely more on faith (and the other senses). But they have limited capability to establish fact compared to us who can see. They must doubt everyday. I tried to imagine myself as the one who was sitting there yesterday at Burger King asking for plain water, with my eyeballs removed. I would have done the same thing. Voice out for help. To who? I don’t know. Whoever would offer. But I don’t need to have my eyeballs removed. I am already blind. I can’t see God. I think all of us haven’t. We just call out to Him in faith. Somehow, yesterday, Burger King was heaven. The store manager was God. And I was the blind man looking on.

Kung hindi ka nahirapan basahin ang title ng blog na ito, malamang hindi ka bulag. Kanina meron na naman akong nakitang bulag sa daan. Hindi lalampas ang araw ko dito ng hindi ako nakakakita ng bulag sa maghapon. Meron bulag na tumatawid ng kalsada, meron bulag na naghihintay ng bus, meron bulag sa mga opisinia. Hindi ito yung mga tao na hindi tumitingin sa dinadaanan at nadadapa o ang mga taong bulag sa pakiramdam (kung merong ganung expression). Ang mga bulag na nakikita ko ay yung mga bulag talaga, blind, no sense of sight, hindi nakakakita. Dito sa Singapore empowered ang mga disabled, hindi sila pinapabayaan hindi lang ng pamahalaan kundi kahit ng mga mamamayan. Inaalalayan sila sa pagsakay sa bus, hinahatid ng mga taong hindi kilala sa station ng MRT, nirerespeto ang upuan na nakalaan para sa mga disabled at binibigyan ng trabaho. Kanina rin nanonood ako ng TV patrol at nakakalungkot isipin na sa atin ay hindi naaalagaan ang mga bulag natin tulad dito. Kwento nga ng isang disabled na ininterview kanina, madalas daw ay nahihirapan sya sumakay dahil walang gustong pumara sa kanyang sasakyan, kaya nagtatyaga na lang silang maglakad o mag wheelchair. Bilib din ako sa lakas ng loob nila. May experience na rin ako sa pagtulong sa mga bulag dito, kadalasan yung mga nagpapahatid lang sa bus station at nagpapasakay sa bus. Pero ang hindi ko makakalimutan na experience sa bulag ay noong 10 days pa lang ako dito sa Singapore (nung January 2006). Nung mga panahon na yun ay tumutuloy ako sa hotel, hindi pa kasi ako nakakalipat dito sa tinitirahan ko ngayon at sagot naman ng company. Araw-araw pagkauwi sa trabaho, dadaan muna ako sa may tabi ng swimming pool at magpapahinga (magsisigarilyo, o iinom ng juice). Isa lang ang entrance papunta ng swimming pool kapag galing ka sa lobby, dito lahat dumadaan ng tao papunta at palabas ng pool area. Isang araw, as usual pagkauwi ko, tumambay muna ako dun at nagpahinga, pagkatapos ay nag decide na ako umakyat papunta ng kwarto ko. Paglabas ko ng pinto ng pool area, sa harap ko ay meron isang tao na may tungkod at shades. Bulag sya. At pinauna nya muna ako lumabas. Ang reaction ko ay tulungan sya at ipagbukas sya ng pinto, sinabihan ko pa sya na "the door is open sir, and look out for the steps". Nag thank you naman sya. Nung nasa elevator ako, naisip ko, saan pupunta yung bulag at ang unang pumasok sa isip ko ay CR. Wala naman CR sa pool area. Meron CR sa tabi ng pinto  papunta ng pool area. Hindi na ako nagkaroon ng initiative na balikan yung bulag at tignan kung anong nangyari sa kanya. Inisip ko na lang na meron taong kakasag kasag sa tubig sa may swimming pool, na naka shades at may dalang tungkod. Pero bumabawi naman ako ngayon. Kung may pagkakataon na makatulong ako sa kanila, tumutulong ako. Empowered. May mga trabaho, nakakalabas ng bahay ng mag isa, nabubuhay ng katulad natin. Yan ang mga bulag ng Singapore. Hindi ko lang alam kung marunong din silang lumangoy.

Yeaaaahhhh! May project na ako! Hehehe. After almost 6 months of waiting, meron na rin ako gagawin dito sa Singapore. 6 months was a long time to wait and of feeling uncertain, I’ve asked myself a lot of times why I need to stay and work here. Ngayon nandito na yung mga project, medyo nabubuhayan na ako ng loob. Nasanay na siguro ako sa environment ng previous work ko sa Philips Calamba na time bounded ang trabaho: kailangan tapos ang report ng ganitong oras, kailangan ready ka na kausap ang mga customers by afternoon (hapon nagigising ang Europe), at by 5:30pm handa ka na rin umuwi, kasi naghihintay na mga kasama mo para sa 2 bottles! at araw-araw mo itong gagawin! I really admire the people there, their dedication (kahit 4am na umuwi galing sa inuman, pasok pa rin sa umaga), resilience to pressure (san ka makakakita ng customer support na sasabihan ang cliente na nagwawala ng: RELAKS) and their attitude towards work and colleagues. Kahit ano pang dumating na problema, tatawanan lang yan at malalampasan din, may pakikisama at tulungan. And to be able to make it look easy and look good while you’re at it is something. Parang hindi ko maramdaman dito sa Philips dito. Iba-iba din pala. I am not discouraged. I am just amazed. How people can be indifferent and judgmental. Kanya-kanyang trip. Project’s here, and its time to kick ass. Sabi sa akin ng boss ko bago ako pumunta dito sa Singapore, what you will do and what you will be there will be what you want your life to be: you can make a difference … or just be like Aga, John Lloyd or Claudine in the movie Dubai, magta-trabaho, mai-inlove at iiyak.

Alam nyo na siguro yung joke na nagtatanong kung ano ang tunog ng tren sa Ilocos diba? "dijay, dijay, dijay, dijay, dijay ….", eh yung tren na papunta ng Batangas? "chug-chug eh! chug-chug eh! chug-chug eh! chug-chug eh! …" hehehe. Ayus sa trip. Eto ang kakaiba, nakakita ako ng magazine sa Malaysia na ang pangalan ay Eh! Hindi ako Batangueno pero marami akong kilala na mahilig mag eh. Sa Malaysia, magazine ito. Eh! Alam ko merong "E!" na magazine sa US, local verion nito ang Eh! Eh talaga sya, wala sya acronym. Ayus eh.

Sa unang tingin sa title ano ang unang pumapasok sa isip nyo? Parang may nahuli (either may kalokohang ginagawa or may itinatago … may tinatago nga bang magagandang gawain? hehe). Tama … Aah! Bisto! eto ang pangkaraniwang pang-asar sa mga taong nahuhuli. Kanina nasa grocery ako at nakita ko itong gravy mix na ang pangalan ay Aah! Bisto(!), bigla ako natawa kasi marami akong naalala. Eto yung product. Aah! Bisto!!! hehehe.